Busy Becoming
Baby, toddler, child, tween, adolescent, adult.
Adolescence is the last jump before adulthood yet much of their lives are probably not adult at all - their money situation, leisure activities, energy levels, responsibilities, interests – definitely not adult. However, in many other ways they are living in very grown up ways. Consider the stuff they can watch on TV, the music content, sarcasm, the clothes they fit into, the youtube content, amount of food they consume, humour – all of that can be very mature.
This stuff, is a list of the visible growing up bits, but we must remember that inside of them is a whole mess of other growing up stuff pushing through the limits of their childhood and branching into the hairy, scary world of adulthood. They are now able to question everything they thought to be true. They are wondering about their place in this world. Their sexuality has been awakened. They have their own ideas about priorities for their own life. Crucially, they have realised that their parents don’t know everything.
Think back to your ten/eleven/twelve-year-old self and consider what kind of pre-teen were you? Were you someone who always pushed for independence, for the chance to finally be grown up? Or were you the kind who needed to be kicked out of the nest? What kind of child or teen or tween do you have?
As parents, before we send our child into the jungle of secondary school, we are told to help them become independent in many ways. Then, all of a sudden, they need to:
-manage their own money
-be responsible for their own clothes
-look after their own school supplies
-manage their own work schedule
-be responsible for their own personal hygiene
-manage their own social life
-take care of their online profile
-ensure they get enough exercise
-watch what they eat
-get their 5 a day
-avoid carbs
-not get addicted to sugar
-read their bibles
-pray every day
-engage in worship
-live wholeheartedly for the Lord
-not be self-conscious about an ever-changing body
-learn how to relate to people they like, that they get on with and people they don’t
-learn who they can trust and who they cannot
-learn what each teacher is telling them in 5 lessons a day, 5 days a week and retain all of that information
-take responsibility for the crucial exams that loom and could define their future
We look at teenagers and so often complain about what they are not doing or how they are doing things badly but these young people have SO MUCH TO DO! When I was 14 my mind was full – full of all I wanted to do and wanted to be and wanted to become. I had kiddy stuff that I still wanted to be a part of, I liked to play, but I had adult stuff that I wanted to explore and discover. I had new friendships, I discovered the joy of chatting and hanging out. Make-up and hair products could turn a good day into a great one. I realised there were boys and they didn’t all act like they were from another planet.
No, I did not care about the washing up and clean clothes and respectful talk and sitting with relatives and world affairs. I cared about the Bruno Brooks and the top 40 countdown. I cared about what was happening in Eastenders that week and what was on at the cinema.
I was not lazy, thoughtless, careless, selfish or arrogant.
I was distracted and learning and growing and discovering.
Your teen is finding their feet. They are just as distracted by life as you were. Your head maybe full of the business of being adult while theirs is full of childhood ending and approaching adulthood. Your little person is still in there though and they are still in need of all that love that you have for them. Perhaps you have to show it in a different way now they are older, perhaps you have to be available to them on their terms - perhaps - but never doubt how much they still need you.